Sunday, April 1, 2012

Answers to F.A.Q.

This is not really directed to anyone, so don't take it personal. I just need to complain about a few things and (Hopefully) burn off some stress.

But I do suggest everyone should pay attention so not to be one of "Those" people.

* "You posted online that you got some work done! I'm gonna stop to see it"
No, no and NO. Why is it that every time I move a chair two feet or some boxes into another room someone wants to "see"? That's why I post photos ONLINE. So you can "see" what we have gotten done without freaking annoying me with your presence.

* "Well, I'll just 'drop by' totally unannounced"
And it should be completely legal for me to shoot you if you do so.
If you had any idea the amount of hate set off by the chain reactions that break lose when someone knocks on my door, you would be very afraid.
This has to be the only time I wish T-Bone was as mean as he looks. I often fantasize about him ripping apart people who knock on my door without warning. Cause if my goofy dogs have to flip out every damn time someone comes to the door, I should at least get a good show out of it. But if you are lucky, I’ll just slam the door in your face.
This house is not the "Drop In" house.
And while I'm on this, do NOT think it will be any better if you bring your damn kids by. Like that's gonna soften my raging bitchness. And it's not just your kid; I don't even want my own kids in my house.

* "Well, I'll just tell them not to touch anything"
And if you really think that will work, CPS should take your children away, cause you are a dumb ass. Look, I'm not saying anything bad about your kid. Everyone knows what monsters mine are, it's just this place looks like Never-freaking-Never Land to kids. No carpet, mazes of boxes and God only knows what else is hiding around here.
IT IS DANGEROUS to your children and most importantly to my things.
I don't care who you are or how much I love the kid; if it breaks something of mine I WILL kill them. At this point, having any kids in this house puts me in a deep state of psycho.
This house is not a "Kid Friendly" house.

* "Well, you moved in four years ago and we still haven’t seen the place"
This would be because of all of the things listed above. If you are not going to pay attention at least shut the Hell up.

* "You know I can help you! I know about doing Insert some random crap you took a class on at Home Depot"
Really, are you trying to piss me off? Cause unless you are planning to pay for whatever work you can "help" with, all you are doing is making me day dream about beating you to death with a paint roller.
This crap costs MONEY. Allot of money. And we are still paying off expenses we ran up just trying to live after Ike slapped our old house like it was one of the Ikettes.
And since we are being honest, I would much rather pay someone I don't know to do work around here. As the old saying goes "You get what you pay for". Plus, I can yell at them if they mess up and not have to act like I feel bad about it later.

* "Oh Amanda! Your jokes are so funny!"
Died. Just died. Now.

Like I said, please don't take any of this personal.

Unless at any time while reading this you thought to yourself:

"Well, she can't mean me! Cause we are Insert "Related" or "Have know each other for" Insert random amount of years.

Then yes. This is most definitely about you.

But please don't worry, in 40 years or so when we are done, we will invite you over. And you can tell us all the things you would have done instead. And give us all the "advice" you would have giving if we had only let you help.

Thus completely reassuring that we did the right thing by telling everyone to go F#$K OFF.